There's "Baby Blue".
Then there's
the "Baby Blues".
I have never felt "blue" about my babies, nor about having a baby.
However... after four or so, I finally admitted there is some truth to the baby blues thing.
I will start off this post telling you honestly that I am real.
I really love and enjoy my children.
I really relish life.
I really do revel in the Lord's daily mercies.
I also really cry - and sometimes over nothing.
I would really rather not relearn how to nurse every time. It hurts like the dickens!
I really have unmerciful hormones, and even though I reason forcefully with my feelings...
they occasionally win.
I don't know much about hormones or the affect they have on the mind, heart, emotions.
I DO know that there has been a consistent theme after each baby's birth.
The theme replays like this:
"Wow I feel better!"
"Wow. I am sore!"
"Wow, that mirror is mean. I'm sure I'm not really shaped like that!"
"I'm lonely."
"I'm tired."
(did I mention
"WOW I'm sore!")
"I'm overwhelmed."
"I'm inadequate."
"Wow. I need a long
tight hug!"...
Etcetera and so forth (I'm not sure about that "lonely" one. It's thoughts like that which make me realize I am not thinking rationally!)
Mostly it hits when the milk comes in. I'm sure I am not alone in my experiences, but it took me through several new babies to learn some things you just need to "ride" out.
At first I denied the force of my feelings.
I wondered what was wrong with me for feeling unexcited about tomorrow.
I tried to reign in the tears that wanted to flow for no reason.
I am not one given to diagnoses or labels, but for the first time ever I had to give the dark term "depression" some credibility.
In my case, I was not ruled by it. Nor did I indulge in surrender. It may not have been until after the sun came out that I recognized these things anyway.
My baby blues experience has ever been a light case; a feeling of being trapped in monotony. Fortunately for me, there has never been anger, or regret, or fear. Just the looking forward into tomorrow and seeing nothing.
It is a feeling of being lost; of looking for something with vibrant life and seeing no color at all.
A bit hopeless and I don't like it!
The best part of experiencing this phenomenon is the humbling reality of what some people face often - or even all the time. I didn't discount it entirely, but I was certainly skeptical.
To the unknown, unnamed, faceless persons I have previously raised my eyebrows at:
Please forgive my ignorance!
It is good to be humbled. It is good to be enshrouded in darkness for a time. How can we truly appreciate the Light unless we have experienced blindness?
I am thankful that the Lord makes me to experience difficult circumstances once in a while. He knows it is to my own benefit, and to His glory ultimately.
So back to me and today.
A little cloud of the Baby Blues hung over my head today. That old theme replayed.
I cried.
And cried.
...and cried.
I did not call my best friend because I
knew I did not need the affirmation of men. I knew she'd understand if I called her, and I knew she'd understand if I didn't. In my own case today, I knew it was for me to lean completely on the Lord. Sometimes He chooses to use other people. I have experienced the blessing of light and life breathed into me through that avenue.
Today it seemed to me a good idea to number my blessings. I didn't actually get out a pen and paper, or even count them off, but when I heard the children laughing hysterically because of the riotous game they were playing... I thanked the Lord for my children.
Every time I gazed upon this little wonder of a new son... my heart could not contain the fullness of my gratitude for him, his health, and safe arrival.
When my husband came in to sit beside a weepy, irrational, unreasoning woman (who was me)...
I thanked the Lord for his grace - my husbands. I did not deserve that, and neither did I attract such endearment at that moment;-)
A good hug is a remedy that works wonders too! Little by little my evening has regained color. At first one streak of warm bright yellow, the dawning sun that came with that understanding hug.
Then the rosy pink hue of Lina's hugs and my children's sympathy and concern - and more laughter.
And then there is the sweet baby scents and sleepy cuddles of baby blue...
Of that I drink deeply, for there is much to be had!
