Monday, April 20, 2009

No Fear

This has been an interesting pregnancy for me. Different from the others in many ways, and unfortunately one of the more emotional ones I've experienced. AJ says I seem to be more aware of that fact though, and it's as if I'm looking back at me from the third person.
Don't know if that's true, but perhaps I'm finally learning to cope with the hormones a little more objectively. Hey- I'll take that as a compliment!

This baby follows closely on the heels of G.R. (God Reigns), our last little one lost early to miscarriage after my exciting hospital event, and I suspect there are some family and friends concerned for my health. According to the surgeon who spoke to us when there was still the hope of little G.R. there would be no problem recovering fully in time for birthing a baby eight months from that time .
Now with a new hope to dream of, I am grateful for those words and am glad if they put some other dear hearts at ease.

Starting at fourteen weeks, I began to strongly suspect the possibility of more than one baby this time. My belly is popping out way early, and my fundal height is four to five weeks ahead of my dates. I have felt the baby earlier, and feel very pregnant already. "Welcome to number six!" says an experienced friend of mine, which I suppose means I'd better get used to feeling large and stretched out - fairly common symptoms of a many-time-momma.

I've not had an appointment with a midwife yet as I'm hoping to establish that connection in Idaho and I'm very excited about the options available there, but... with my growing belly and volatile state of emotions I have been getting downright anxious to take a look inside.
That is rather odd since I never feel compelled to find out baby's gender in advance and don't care about having ultrasound pictures taken. But this time I want, I want, I WaaaANT!!
And while I haven't actually had that calm intuition that says something is wrong, that hasn't stopped my mind from wandering over the less desirable possibilities associated with this big melon of a tummy. I have tried rationalizing the feelings away. I have tried to mind over matter the issue. I have tried to ignore it, but always to the same end: immediate relief followed by another onslaught of fear.


It is subtle.
It is ugly.
It is mean.
It is relentless.
It is from the enemy of our souls.

With this realization though, I remembered there is only one way to combat fear. And that is by power of the Holy Spirit in me, and through God's Word.
This is what the Lord gave me the other day from Psalms 34 verse 4:

"I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears."

Isn't that a wonderful verse? I was so excited as I meditated on these words, to note that while God delivered David from his fears, there is no mention of his being delivered from the things he was fearing.
If I have an ultrasound today to relieve me of my fears, there is no reason to believe that would be the outcome. I might very well find out that my fears were founded.
If so, there could simply be more fear and less peace, for peace doesn't come from having control of our circumstances does it. He will do His will through my life, my trials (or joys), no matter what, and i
f He is going to do that then why entertain fear? The only thing fear does is paralyze. I am infective for the Lord's work - even giving my children the care they need with singleness of mind and purpose - which will not bare witness of His peace in me. I see no alternative to letting go of the control I imagine, relinquishing my fears, and trusting Him to fill me with HIS peace as He accomplishes His will.

I think for me, there is no alternative.
And so... I asked the Lord to remove my fears and help me to wait on Him.

He has done that for me!
(I know, big shocker there)

I am still curious to know if I'm just a stretched out gravida 8 para 5 or if there is a more fun reason for turning into a pumpkin so fast. But whether I decide to have an ultrasound tomorrow or wait for the midwifes assessment, I am content to be content.

By God'
s merciful grace,
and patiently waiting.



Diane said...

Well I hope you will let me know quickly when you find out. Praying for you Analene. Lots of love to you.

Shauna said...

Praying for you 'Lene. His grace is sufficient!

Jana said...

An old favorite verse popped into my head as I read your post. "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee,; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." Isaiah 41:10. (I am familiar with the NIV version, but I wanted to get it right, and the KJV was the closest Bible to the computer...) Fear. Ugh. Truly an ugly tool of the Enemy. I will pray for release from that fear and peace. I am so thankful for the "realness" of your posts. They help me to feel less alone in my humanity (ironic phrase there...) and point me toward my Creator.

Ashley said...

Praying for you... let us know what happens.

God is sovereign!

JensMom said...

I dont believe there is any reason to fear. I, too, experienced the same things during my second pregnancy. Grew very quickly, "flutters" all over at once, mega weight gain (as my doctor began to lecture me I said, "Now wait one minute, look at me, there is something "wrong" here!), could eat a horse, and exhausted. All to say....."TWINS"!

Momma Bug said...

Thanks JensMom,

That would be a delightful discovery (and what I'm hoping for)
I'll let-cha know!

Lady Jess said...

Oh, boy! As I was reading all that I was expecting the 'T' word, but... I'll just have to be content with suspense.